How to Find Mr. Right

          The Formula to rid you of singleness:

I was the Indiana Jones of relationships. Formally educated and fluent in the languages of men, I could read even the most cryptic of male signs and could communicate with their primitive signals. I also had an infallible sixth sense about the women orbiting the men. I knew what moves the she-devils would make before they could take a breath. (Hence I did not have many female friends, thus allowing me to further my research in the ways of men.) In each city, town and village I lived there was not a rock left unturned or a dark hole I had not crawled in. Snakes are in abundance and slither out when you are at your weakest, so be sure to always carry fire ladies. Fire and pepper spray. 

 

I am sorry ladies but there is no formula. If there was, I assure you I would have discovered it, bottled it and sold it you. I would have had it patented at age 22 (when I officially deemed myself worthy of a spouse and children).

As a single woman it really grated on me that after people asked my name and profession, they would immediately ask if I had kids? No? Was I was married? No? In a relationship? No? How old are you anyway?

Grrr!

As if a woman’s worth revolves around the man she is attached to! It can be a burden to be an unmarried woman and an even bigger burden if she has an independent spirit. Co-workers label  her the fantastically clever B_word, many men seem intimidated by her, married women treat her as a threat (like anyone in her right mind wants to be a home-wrecker), single women feel they must compete against her for any man’s attention….so single lady, where did all your friends just go?

Well, I'll tell you what I did. One day I finally bit the bullet and began to seek out married women, asking how they came to be married. From them, I’d hear one of two things. 1) That marriage wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, followed by a detailed rant that disrespected and put down their husband… (thanks bitter lady) 2) The woman would smile and tell me once I’d stop looking for a man, God would drop him in my lap.

            Yeah right. First of all, bitter lady who complains about her husband and children, How long has it been since you had to defend yourself against an intruder alone? When is the last time you had to change your own oil, fix your own flat, face a mechanic, or not get invited to an event because you would be ‘the only unattached (ie the single/divorced) gal’? When’s the last time you woke up to an empty house alone? Single ladies don’t want to hear you complain about your chaos, they crave it. Single ladies would gladly embrace the opportunity to have little ones to hug and kiss, she'd lob off limbs to have people that need her or a man to wake up next to. Not feeling alone, (especially during the holidays) and not worrying about being alone, is more appealing to her than your complaints of lack of sleep will ever be. Also, please stop showing single ladies your stretch marks, you are not scaring her away from childbearing, you are just scaring her.

Second lady who tells singles to stop looking, HOW do you expect her to stop looking? It’s the desire of her heart! Please give her advice on how not to be obsessed and depressed about her singleness, but what else should she do?

I can only tell you what happened to me, I was broken. I finally stopped (okay slowed down from warp speed to about five mph) looking because I was burnt out. And I don’t burn out on people easily. I hang on with the tenacity of a monkey in a banana tree…(erm, Freudian slip)..Yet after years of searching, hoping, praying, stressing…after thousands of dollars of beauty products, dozens of first dates (yes dozens) waiting for guys to chase me, chasing after guys, numerous on line dating memberships, lowering and raising my standards, I gave up. I had nothing left to give and even if I could muster anything else, I didn’t want to put up with another man guy (regardless of how beautiful or rich he was). So I began to think ‘family’ wasn’t in my future. It hurt my heart, but I began to walk away from those dreams.

Shortly thereafter, my neighbor invited me over for dinner; where I met my husband. Is that a formula? I don’t think so. Was it love-at-first-sight-sunshine-and-daises from that night on? Not exactly. I can only tell you I had to break before God could bless me. I had no other desire in me than to have God fill my vision, heart and mind. I wept bitterly. I spent more time praying and memorizing scripture than I had ever spent on anything else. I had verses all over my work desk, locker and phone. I had never previously been invited over for a ‘set-up’ date. I always wished married people would set me up with their hunky single-male-friends, but this was the first. And the last. I realize somehow I ended up in the stop looking advice column, but I want you to know God has not forgotten you, God will never forget you! It's not about a formula of 'how do I stop looking' but it's about setting your eyes upon Jesus. He wants to bless you and not necessarily in the way you expect. I'm here to encourage you to open yourself up to the Lord so He can use you and bless you!
           I know the sting of rejection, as you are reading this, please fill in the blank for yourself, ‘I wonder if he ended things because I’m not ______ enough?’ Is filling in the blank going to require changing something drastic about yourself? Go ahead and try, but I guarantee only God can make that big of a change in a person. Trying to change this yourself will only increase your insecurity over ______. Get your head daily in the Word, keep a prayer journal and if the Creator of the Universe thinks ______ needs changed in you, He will do it—most likely by bringing Godly people into your life to help. Once you turn to Him, stop beating yourself up over ______, trust Him to mold you into who He wants you to be (your best self)! Still doubting yourself? Go see a counselor, an objective professional person who won’t lie and tell you that you are perfect in every way (sorry Moms, but you aren’t very objective).

           I remember people telling me what I wanted/didn’t want in a relationship was stupid or impossible. If I kept on with those standards, I would remain single.   

         They encouraged me to settle, or just go find someone to have a baby with…after all, I wasn’t getting any younger. “Do you know how old my kids were by the time I was your age? Let me tell you how difficult child-birth is after 30…” It terrified me to not be able to be a wife or a mom, to be one of those old single ladies in a nursing home who you can tell used to be kind of attractive… but what scared me more was settling. “I can’t be happy with a man who ________(puts himself before all others, doesn’t believe in marriage, doesn’t love God, etc)” I would lament. They told me to get over myself, they told me everyone settles.

Yet, after several miserable relationships I decided I’d rather be alone than be with a guy that would never be ______ enough. It would not be fair to me. It would never be fair to him.

So then, if there is no formula, what is there to soothe the ache of singleness, rejection, betrayal, divorce?  I will give you the salve that has worked best for me. The scars remain, but the Healer is gentle.  Jesus commands us not to be anxious. He does not suggest it.  Does this sound like a ‘suggestion’ to you? “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life” He points out to us as one would a child that all the birds and beasts are taken care of by God’s own hand. Then He repeats himself “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” His brother James says if we draw near to God, He will draw near to us! (James 4:8)  This is exciting, and a bit intimidating! God is a jealous God and he wants our full attention and all of our hearts, once we give all of ourselves to Him, He is more able and perhaps more willing, to give us what He has prepared for us!

Single sister, be encouraged, be excited for what is to come. Draw near to God and he WILL draw near to you.

 *Turn your eyes upon Jesus,

Look full in His wonderful face,

And the things of Earth will grow strangely dim,

In the light of His glory and grace.

Oh soul, are you weary and troubled?

No light in the darkness you see?

There's light for a look at the Savior,

And life more abundant and free

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Through death into life everlasting

He passed, and we follow Him there;

Over us sin no more hath dominion-

For more than conquerors we are

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His word shall not fail you-He promised;

Believe Him, and all will be well:

Then go to a world that is dying,

His perfect salvation to tell!

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